In reality we are not separated from the love and joy in us, and in reality there is no separation between us humans. However, we are all equipped with an ego, which constantly and solidly convinces us of the opposite.
When we, as individuals, are what we are, we feel the peace and joy. When our relationships are what they are, they are connected and happy. As individuals and as couples, the truth is that when we are what we are, we are happy. Fine states of joyful affinity and peace are our individual and our relationships’ real identity. What they really are!
This requires that we become aware of what blocks us from our true essence; that we learn to not let our egos obstruct the way. Our egos, which are fundamentally the experience of being separated from our underlying loving Selves, and which we unfortunately almost predominantly identify with in terms of consciousness. True, our egos can seem strong and able to convince us of a great deal; but we must dare to put ourselves above this side of ourselves, dare to continue wanting to be happy, dare to continue to hope, dare to demand the joy that is our rightful property, and which can enrich us not just by having connected relationships, but also by our winning and becoming ourselves.
We must let our sense remind us of this and choose the love and the peace in us. I remember one late night when my husband and I, after persistent and many attempts at reaching agreement and connection with each other, which took place under such exhaustion caused by too many activities that was so pervasive and total, that the feeling of disintegration was close, to feel this simplicity in reaching each other as opposed to the totally impossible aspects of the situation. My husband and I were pressured in our efforts to do everything well. We were pushed into a corner where only our egos seemed to be heard. On that night we felt completely inadequate on all areas of life and the bitterest part of the experience of unsuccessfulness was the feeling of separation between us and not feeling loved by the other. Being stuck in the situation and not even being able to see that we found ourselves in a state where our egos constantly played with us in a mean game of turning all our loving efforts in our daily lives to selfish, meaningless intentions. Completely exhausted in the situation, I catch myself in a moment and think something in the direction of that I now just “want to be together with my husband”. The effect comes immediately. – I see him as he is, battling exhaustion, doing the best he can right now. He is fighting on the wrong team (that is, the ego’s team) in a desperate cry to reach the love; an impossible and heart-rending shame for him when now, in reality, he is everything he has yearned to be. A similar compassion spreads through me in relation to myself. I become able to literally jump over the fence that prevents our happiness. The night ends full of joy with a feeling of having won everything that is worth winning.
Moments of conscious intimacy under such scenarios between us can tear us away from identifying with our egos’ consciousness. Actually, I believe that precisely this and similar experiences of the miracles of love are what convinces me in my efforts in life.
Experiencing affinity and love in your relationship can be experienced as something of the most complex. In reality it’s simple! It comes by itself, when we are able to choose it!
Through my relationship I have been able to get closer to that which is me; to being me. To create intimacy in my relationship through how we, my husband and I together, try to live life so we both experience it in united joy, has been a unique tool to reach what I yearn for to live every second. This puts me in the state I love, where I am just happy without the big gestures, where I feel as if something special has happened, the big lottery draw has just come up with my number.
When we make mistakes in our marriages or in life in general, we need to be looked at with compassion and as loving people, whilst we are reminded that we make mistakes, which are not from the love in us, but from our insecure, frightened egos.
When things get really tough in a relationship, that which can help us carry on; that is in us. If we are able to find just a little willingness to open ourselves to another way of seeing our situation, we will feel better, also when the separation feels infinitely large and the anger is making us let go of the last power of affinity in us. When we are willing to put aside the fear, we are in the love. It is difficult to surrender and say: ”Okay, I want this in another way.” Our ego tugs and tears in us and tells us that we should leave well alone. Even a long time after I had discovered that that was what I had to do, I now and then neglected to give in to my inner truth and waded on in unhappiness. I could almost feel the temptation to remain in the pain.
Every moment we have the possibility of peace. Every moment we have that option together, which is at the root of happiness. We can choose whether we want to subject ourselves to the loving energy in ourselves or go down the road of fear, anger and depression. In reality, this choice is the all-important one. In our deep moments with ourselves we know that choosing the love in life is what is true. We can be joyful, liberated and light without any sense of guilt and bitterness; simply happy and grateful because the potential for this state is inside us – and we know that somewhere inside us. The difficult part is to give in and let no obstacles come in the way of happiness and who we are. Opting out of separation and the accompanying unhappiness is connected joy. Everything we need in relation to being happy in our relationships is instantly present and flowing to meet us from our inner Selves.
If we are not happy, it is because we do not use our full internal potential.
The sun shines in us. We must demand of ourselves to feel its lovely, warm rays and experience the light changing the world, we look at. We need its power and illumination. We also have the right to the sun. The sun must fill us up, beautify the world we look at and shine on our path, so we do not get lost. The same actually applies to the joy and the love in us. We need it to fill us up, to beautify the world we see and to illuminate our path, so we do not get lost in the darkness of separation. When we are able to live our days based on our loving Self, we become warm and we are happy.
No doubt there are many of you, who are reading this, who either know yourselves, that it is true, because you make use of this yourself, or also hope that it is true. We have to stop fleeing from the truth about ourselves. We must choose to be the valuable and loving humans, we really are.
A relationship lived from our underlying fundamental essence will be connected and happy. If we dare to live, based on who we are within, love and peace between us in our relationships will be inevitable. Love is our relationships’ natural state!!
– From my book: Love is Possible – from separation to connectedness.
Annette Grothe-Møller, MSc Psychology